Imagined Pitch Meetings

Posted by: on Jan 14, 2011 | One Comment

Can you imagine?

Little Fockers

Producer: We’re ready to get the third Fockers installment going.
Executive: Oh, God.
Producer: This time, we’re going to focus on the growing Focker brood, and the comic relationship between Ben Stiller’s character and Robert De Niro’s character.
Executive: Isn’t that what we did in the last two movies?
Producer: No. This is completely different.
Executive: Did you get anyone new on board?
Producer: We have Harvey Keitel slotted to play a contractor.
Executive: A contractor?
Producer: Yeah. He and Robert De Niro have this funny back-and-forth where they argue over a hole in the ground.
Executive: …
Executive: Can I say no?
Producer: Paramount is contractually obligated.
Executive: Damn.

Season of the Witch

Executive: Ok, I read the script, and I love it! You were going for overblown, unintentional comedy right?
Producer: No.
Executive: Ah.
Producer: Fantasy is still really big right now. Harry Potter, Twilight, Lord of the Rings. This movie would be perfect for that audience and might even land us a nomination or two.
Executive: Yeah, OK. And Nick Cage is going to play what character? The “wizened older knight”?
Producer: No he plays the hero.
Executive: Uh-huh.
Producer: He’s already started training for the role.
Executive: To be honest, I’m not sure he should be in this movie at all. He’s very divisive and is pretty inconsistent at the box office. Not to mention Ghost Rider. I mean, did you SEE Ghost Rider?
Producer: I wrote the script.
Executive: You can start shooting in February.

TRON: Legacy

Producer: So we’d like to do a sequel to a 1982 science fiction film that Jeff Bridges was in.
Executive: Okaaaay.
Producer: It was about a young software engineer who has to hack into the mainframe of an evil corporation in order to prove his code was stolen by them.
Executive: I’m not following you.
Producer: They throw glowing discs at each other.
Executive: …Not –
Producer: – Yeah, it’s Tron.
Executive: Why the hell would we remake that? That movie’s a joke.
Producer: We’re not remaking it. This is a sequel.
Executive: Why would we make a sequel?
Producer: The original Tron gained a huge cult following after initially bombing at the box office.
Executive: How much did they spend on it?
Producer: 17 million.
Executive: And how much would we have to spend on this?
Producer: 170 million.
Executive: …
Executive: Sure. Fine. Fuck it.

Yogi Bear

Producer: Yogi Bear is the perfect family comedy: it promotes environmentalism, teamwork and snacking, but with a funny, in-your-face attitude. It’s An Inconvenient Truth meets Dr. Dolittle, with a splash of Twins.
Executive: Yogi Bear is a pretty old cartoon. How the hell are you going to package this for an audience that’s probably never seen it?
Producer: Well, Tom Cavanagh’s agreed to play the ranger.
Executive: The guy from “Ed”? I guess that’ll work. Where are you getting the bears? Have you found a trainer already?
Producer: Bears?
Executive: You know, Yogi and Boo Boo.
Producer: The bears are CGI.
Executive: Oh. In that case, I don’t know if I can stomach a CGI Tom Cavanagh for two hours.
Producer: He’ll be real.
Executive: I see. Well, who could we get to do the voices? Do not say Billy West.
Producer: We can get Tom Hanks.
Executive: Too old.
Producer: Charlie Sheen?
Executive: Too drunk.
Producer: Um… Justin Timberlake?
Executive: Good. Very Good.

Gulliver’s Travels

Producer: This is a remake, nay, a retelling of the classic 1726 Jonathan Swift novel Gulliver’s Travels. We’re going for comedy, but also romance. Think Shakespeare in Love meets Chairman of the Board.
Executive: Chairman of the Board?
Producer: It was a Carrot Top movie. Don’t worry about it.
Executive: So it’s going to be a comedy? A kid’s movie?
Producer: We’re targeting kids and young adults, yes.
Executive: It sounds like you’re going to take a pretty rich story and boil it down to just about nothing.
Producer: I don’t know if that’s exactly fair…
Executive: I really don’t think kids today have read Gulliver’s Travels, or even know what it’s about. Why would you go for that kind of source material?
Producer: We have Jack Black slotted to play Gulliver.
Executive: I’m sold!